why i was rejected

alright, i've been posting a lot the past couple of days, but i daresay it's time better spent than surfing and doing nothing. and, plus the stress of certain upcoming events ;) wink wink nudge nudge requires me to look on the rational side of things.

which brings us to tonight's discussion. so, i had a conversation with a certain person last night, went very well i'll say, finally got my true feelings out after a fucking eternity. but, the most interesting piece of conversation came when i asked if she thought any other girls would invite me, the answer, which i strangely anticipated (probably cuase she took so much time) was a resounding no (well, not really, in reality, a confused, not confident no, but a no nonetheless). according to her, i'm "too intimidating". interesting. i wouldn't consider myself that type of person, in fact, the contrary.

so, now, to analyze the current situation and decide what action to take. anyway, i spied a certain girl necking with a certain boy today and heard they hold hands in the hallway. great. the one girlfriend i've had at school is fucking going down the toilet to a douchebag who's a fucktard and shitass motherfucking asshole. (too much profanity, i know, but we've got to let the emotions out). basically, i literally almost blew up. but i didn't. luckily, i took the smart way out. i waited, and waited. for once, and it's been a while since this has happened, i wanted to catch her glance. she may be avoiding it, but i don't know. i want to look into her eyes and pierce her heart with my message: come back to me. or, at least make her feel bad/pity me. you never know what'll work. it would be a hard, casual glance, revealing one thousand words all at once: why'd you do this to me? are you coming back? should i even bother? is it worth it? why? why? why?

i think i know the answer and it's taken me a while to recognize it. i think in the past, i've been too afraid of public emotional displays. you know, holding hands, head on the shoulder. one thing i didn't like (and maybe still don't like, i'm not sure) is being completely committed to a long term relationship. i feel like i'm in prison. therefore, i stayed away from her much of the time, but wrongfully so. i really should have come out and told her right away my true feelings and then left her to decide what she wanted to do.

but the past is over, and there's nothing we can do. true, i made a mistake, and i accept that, so i've got to look ahead into the future instead of to the past. water under the bridge. you have to make a choice: whether to fight back, or just let it be and see what happens. i don't know what i'm going to do yet, but whatever my choice, it's going to be a bumpy ride.

eversong- foo fighters- listen to it, it's got a great musical part, lyrics are okay, but i really like how it starts out low, and dull, and then there's this sudden powerful climax, i really like it; it's powerful, and it personifies what i often feel.

SIX days until i'm out. oh, and by the way, i should just mention that i'm not some fucking emo who spends fucking hours listening to music and shit. no, i'm actually a functioning member of society. and we have strong feelings/complicated situations as well.