Throw yourself away

It's been a while, but I've been busy....

I'm a slave to addiction. I hate it so much, but it's so good. It's the one time I can be free during the day, release my stress. I don't care about anything then. But only if there was a better way... I hate it like this.... I'll say nothing more of it, although i ought to.

Haven't been asked out yet, starting to get a bit antsy...Will do the asking if she doesn't. Although some girls have been sizing me up the past couple of days... Maybe they'll ask me...

Sometimes, it's so difficult to remain above the ignorant masses and stay a thinking, coherent, intelligent human being. It's so easy to slip into that peaceful, ignorant oblivion, that place where life doesn't matter and you live your life doing nothing, it's useless and you throw it away like some five-cent toy. I really wanted to go there today and never come back, becuase everything else felt so bad, but I didn't. I didn't kill my soul or let myself slip away. I stayed above, fought hard, didn't drown. I couldn't. It would be throwing away all I've worked hard at. I could feel myself slowly going under, eyes heavy, IPOD playing, cruising down the road. I didn't want to do anything: no homework, no reading, not even listening. I just wanted to be in that moment forever; that moment of accomplishing nothing, gaining nothing, throwing all away. But I stayed above.

I really should write more, but, addiction is more powerful than reason. Addiction controls the mind, the body, thoughts and feelings. It takes you overboard, to a place you've never gone before and want to stay, and then rudely brings you back. You want to go there again, it's natural, human nature; we look for pleasure and happiness in life; so we go again, again, again, and again until it becomes a vicious cycle and we can't stop. It tears me apart sometimes, I know I'm dirty and rotten, but human nature overrides all.
I need to write more...It feels almost as good as that nirvana, when I've got a lot on my mind. I'm sitting here, right now, thinking nothing...Just an empty void but words are coming down, so I can't be thinking nothing becuase I've got to be thinking of the words to put down on this paper. Or do I?